HLK: Secretly a Five-Star Resort?

Sometimes you just need a getaway. You’re craving a vacation from the stack of stress piling up on your desk. Your morning routine consists of finding a new beach picture for your desktop background and checking Carnival Cruise prices religiously. If the Piña Colada in your coffee cup isn’t enough of an indication, you’re in need of some serious R&R. But there’s one problem: it’s only mid-June and you’ve already wasted a year’s-worth of PTO building Ikea furniture and binge-watching LOST for the 11th time.

Keep your head up, Sailor. I’m here to help. You can enjoy all of the perks of an exotic getaway, right here within the walls of the HLK office building. So, grab your sunglasses, but maybe leave your Speedo at home, because we’re going to give you the “Ultimate HLK Staycation.”

Welcome, welcome! We’re so excited to have you here at the marvelous HLK resort. Let’s take the elevator up to the Mezzanine to begin the tour.

First Stop: The Mezzanine

Look at that Skyline! Start your day with a rooftop “Sun Salutation” on the Mezzanine. Watch the sunrise over the Mississippi to the tune of I-44 rush hour traffic. Breathe in the blend of aromas wafting from the Purina and Tums buildings. If your favorite episode of Friends was, “The One with the Soap Opera Party” you’re in luck; if you squint your eyes (really really tight), it almost feels like the Mezzanine is the swank rooftop party of your sitcom fantasies.

Next Stop: The Third Floor “Lounge”

Here we are. Long luxurious couches, a fireplace, and a spectacular view of the parking lot: this is the posh nightclub you always wished you could get into. Think “Night at the Roxbury” except all of the club-goers are just Appistry programmers eating chicken salad and the bar only has Pepsi and OJ. This also a perfect place to get work done (or a nap with some heavy-duty earplugs and an eye mask).

Third stop: State-of-the-Art Basketball Court

Basketball season is over and you don’t know what to do with yourself. You’ve been replaying Kyrie’s Game 7 last-minute 3-point jumper in your head for weeks. You’ve been practicing your shot throwing away Taco Bell wrappers into the trash can, but your colleagues aren’t very happy with the amount of Diablo sauce on the floor. Your form is trash. But we can fix that. Look no further than the Third-Floor Basketball Court. Get some “real-life” basketball experience on this hardwood court. Set screens with actual desktop screens, shoot free’s from a masking tape line, practice your 360 spin move around a color copier…this kind of equipment could make Steph Curry jealous.

Fourth-Stop: 5 Star Restaurant

Speaking of the Chef, our fourth stop is the gourmet kitchen on the second floor. Filled with cozy booths, mood lighting, and TWO fully stocked fridges (unless it’s Friday night and Janice emptied them out…); this kitchen is everything your growling tummy could ask for. Treat yourself to your coworker’s pasta salad and a coffee, munch on some leftover Rally’s (that would be mine), or microwave some week-old tilapia if you’re not looking to make any friends in your office pod. If you’re in a hurry, shove your hands in the “jar of fun” and if you’re lucky you’ll get a fruit roll-up. Be sure to make a reservation because tables fill up quickly.

Fifth Stop: Sauna & Gym

The final stop of our tour is deep within the subterranean levels of the resort. Ignore the signs that say “Media Room,” I don’t know what that’s all about. This is our sauna. But sometimes it’s our freezer. This room has a mind of its own. Don’t even try changing the temperature, this room will either have you sweating or shivering and there’s no in-between. You’ll also experience some much-needed “off-the-grid” quiet time because you’ll never get any Wi-Fi or cell service. If the basketball court and sauna didn’t have you sweating, we have a gym next door where you can tone your muscles, but seeing as the only physical labor in your job description is carrying your laptop to meetings and running away from your problems…you should be fine without the exercise.

Well, that about does it for our tour! Turn your dreams into reality and enjoy a wonderful vacation at the marvelous HLK resort!